From Self-Sabotage to Reclaiming Your Power
- Tom Goldstein
- Mar 23
- 3 min read
We’ve all been there. A frustrating situation at work, a tough relationship dynamic, or a lack of motivation that leaves us wondering: Why does this keep happening to me?
It’s natural to look at our environment for answers. After all, external circumstances do shape our experiences to a degree. But here’s the uncomfortable truth many of us avoid: sometimes, the biggest blocks in our life are the ones we unconsciously place there ourselves.
This is the realm of self-sabotage. It’s sneaky. It often wears the disguise of logic, protection, or even self-care. Yet underneath, it limits our growth, our confidence, and our ability to step into our potential.
What Is Self-Sabotage?
Self-sabotage happens when our actions (or lack of action) work against our own success or wellbeing. It can look like procrastination, perfectionism, negative self-talk, avoiding conflict, people-pleasing, or always “playing it safe.”
And often, it feels justified. “I can’t speak up in meetings because my manager never listens.” “I’m not applying for that role – the industry’s too competitive.” “I don’t have time to look after myself – work is just too full-on right now.”
These statements may have a grain of truth. But they also point to a mindset that gives our power away.
Blame vs. Responsibility
When we consistently point to our environment, circumstances, or other people as the reason we’re stuck, frustrated, or unhappy, we’re placing ourselves in a position of powerlessness.
It can feel comforting at first. If it’s them, not me, I don’t have to change anything. But it also traps us. Because if they don’t change, we stay stuck.
The shift begins when we stop asking: “Why is this happening to me?” and start asking, “What’s my part in this?”
That question doesn’t mean blaming yourself. It means getting curious about the ways you might be holding yourself back – and gently beginning to take ownership of your experience.
Taking Back the Controls
The good news? Self-sabotage isn’t a fixed trait. It’s a pattern – and patterns can be shifted. Here are a few ways to start:
1. Recognise Your Patterns
Notice when you say things like:
“It’s just not the right time.”
“I always mess this up.”
“They wouldn’t take me seriously anyway.”
Pause and ask: Is this true? Or is it a protective story I’ve been telling myself?
2. Feel the Fear, Then Choose
Self-sabotage often protects us from discomfort – fear of failure, rejection, being seen, or being judged. The key isn’t to get rid of fear. It’s to feel it, acknowledge it, and then consciously choose what you want to do next.
What would I do right now if I really fully trusted myself?
3. Shift from Reaction to Response
If your default is to blame or shut down, try this instead:
Take a breath.
Step back.
Ask: What do I need right now? How can I respond in a way that supports the person I want to become?
Even a small shift in response can build self-trust over time.
4. Get Curious, Not Critical
When you notice yourself sabotaging, don’t beat yourself up. That only adds shame. Instead, try:
What was I feeling just before I did that?
What was I trying to protect myself from?
What might I try differently next time?
Self-compassion helps break the cycle far more effectively than self-criticism.
Why This Matters
When you take ownership of your patterns – even the messy, uncomfortable ones – something powerful happens. You stop waiting for life or other people to change before you can feel better. You realise you have more agency than you thought.
That doesn’t mean everything becomes easy overnight. But it does mean you’re no longer at the mercy of your circumstances. You’re in the driver’s seat, learning to navigate with more self-awareness and courage.
You start to trust yourself. You begin to take bolder, wiser steps. And little by little, your experience of life shifts – not because the outside world has changed, but because you have.
Final Thoughts
Self-sabotage isn’t a flaw. It’s a signal. A sign that something in you needs attention, care, and perhaps a new way forward.
The more you learn to notice your patterns and take responsibility (not blame, but ownership), the more empowered you become.
And the beautiful thing about that? It’s entirely within your control.
Would you like to explore your own patterns and build stronger foundations for growth and confidence?
I’d love to support you. Reach out to me and let’s start the conversation.
