Finding Belonging vs Fitting In – Coming Home to Yourself

Have you ever looked around and thought, "Where do I really belong ?"

It's a quiet feeling. Sometimes it shows up as a sense of being on the outside looking in.

Other times, it’s more like a question that hums beneath the surface.

For many people I work with, belonging is a theme that runs deep. It's not always named directly, but it’s there—in the pressure to fit in, in the fear of being too much or not enough, in the effort to keep things together while quietly wondering if anyone really sees them.

I remember a time when I was working in the fast-paced, high-performing environment of tech sales. Outwardly, I was doing well - driving the meetings, getting people on board. But inside, I constantly monitored how I came across. I laughed when others laughed, downplayed my sensitivities, and avoided speaking up when something felt off. It took me years to realise that I wasn't just trying to contribute - it was almost as though I was trying to earn my belonging. And in doing so, I had slowly lost touch with myself.

Belonging vs Fitting In

At first glance, fitting in and belonging can look similar. But they come from very different places.

Fitting in is about shape-shifting. It’s what we do when we want to be accepted, but we’re not sure we’ll be loved as we are. We adjust our tone, our opinions, our energy. We scan the room and ask, “Who do I need to be to be OK here?”

Belonging, on the other hand, doesn’t require performance. It asks us to show up as we are. And that can feel riskier—but it's also where the real nourishment is. When we’re met, seen, and appreciated without needing to earn it, that’s real belonging.

Why Belonging Can Feel So Elusive

If you've ever struggled to feel like you belong, you're not alone. Many of us carry early experiences of exclusion, rejection, or subtle messages that told us we had to tone ourselves down. Sensitive or neurodivergent people may have learned to mask their natural way of being just to feel safe or included.

Even in adulthood, we might continue trying to earn our place—by being helpful, successful, agreeable, or quietly competent. But this striving often deepens the disconnection. We feel seen for the roles we play, not for who we are underneath.

Reflection: Where did you learn to hide parts of myself to feel safe?

The Many Layers of Belonging

Belonging isn’t one single experience. It shows up in many areas of life:

• Family: Do you feel loved for who you are, or just for meeting expectations?

• Friendships: Can you be vulnerable and honest without fear of judgement?

• Place: Is there a physical space, city, or environment where you feel grounded and at ease?

• Work: Are you respected and included not just for what you do, but for how you are?

• Communities and interests: Do you have circles where shared values, passions or creativity connect you to others?

• Nature: Does being outdoors help you feel a sense of peace and connection?

• Spiritual or soul-level belonging: Is there a deeper sense of being part of something bigger than yourself?

Sometimes, we may feel belonging in one area but not another. That’s normal. What matters is recognising where the nourishment is - and where there’s a hunger for more.

Coming Home to Yourself - Belonging Begins Within

There’s a paradox here: the more we try to belong by changing ourselves, the less we feel like we truly do. The journey of belonging begins when we stop abandoning ourselves to gain approval.

This isn’t always easy. It can mean:

• Saying no when it feels safer, or easier, to say yes.

• Speaking honestly, even when your voice shakes.

• Letting go of people or roles that require you to stay small.

Belonging to yourself means accepting the parts you’ve hidden. It means getting to know your needs, values and rhythms - and giving them space to exist.

Practices to Support a Sense of Belonging

Here are a few gentle ways to begin reconnecting with your own sense of belonging:

• Daily check-in: Ask, What do I need to feel grounded today?

• Notice when you’re performing: What happens if you soften that?

• Spend time in spaces where you feel most yourself—even if it’s just a bench in a quiet park.

• Connect with people who see you as you are. These relationships are gold.

• Journal your truths: Write freely about what feels true and real, without editing.

A Gentle Coming Home

You don’t need to become someone else to belong. You already do.

It might take time to feel that fully. But every moment you choose to stay with yourself—to honour your feelings, values, and truth—you’re building that inner foundation. And from there, the outer connections start to shift too.

If you’d like to explore this further, I’ve created a free worksheet to help you reflect on where you feel belonging in your life - and where you might want more.

You can download it

Finding Belonging - Tom Goldstein - Free Resource.

Download • 4.12MB

And if you're in a season where belonging feels distant or uncertain, take heart. You're not broken. You're on a path back to yourself. And that is a beautiful place to begin.